Honoring the Memory of our Everly Eden

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A little over two weeks ago, I asked a small group of family and friends to gather to honor the memory of our Everly Eden. That day, October 15th is considered Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. All over the world candles are lit at 7 pm to honor all the angel babies. When these candles stay lit for at least an hour in each time zone, it creates a wave of light. This year, lighting a candle just did not seem like enough. I wanted to do something that would give a greater memory for us.

That evening everyone gathered at 6:30 pm. My plan was to read a brief story about our journey, light Everly’s candle, and then have everyone release lighted sky lanterns. I am not one to enjoy standing in front of a group of people and talk about anything…let alone read something I had written about our emotional journey. My stomach was in knots but I knew that reading my story would help me with the healing process.

In Memory of Everly Eden

I began to read. I began to cry. Tears of sorrow and tears of joy. I would like to share with you what I read that evening:

 

Five and a half months ago, I went into labor with our second child. Upon arriving at the hospital, we learned that our daughter, Everly Eden had no heartbeat. Thank you all for joining us tonight to remember Everly and recognize Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Most of you probably do not realize how often this kind of loss occurs. Surprisingly, losses happen to 1 in 4 women. However, tonight instead of focusing on our heartbreaking loss we want to focus on the goodness of God. Walking through this valley has no doubt brought us closer to the Lord. A few verses I would like to share with you have brought us comfort.

 

Psalm 18:2:

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

– At Topsail Beach last year I gathered beautiful rocks along the beach. At that moment, I had no idea I was pregnant and we definitely had no idea what devastating turn our life would take 9 months later. These rocks are now a symbol to remind me that God is my rock. The one in whom I find comfort. If you are in need of God’s comfort please take a rock. Place it somewhere so that you are reminded of God’s power and grace. (These love rocks are inspired by a story of a mom who lost her two daughters when they were tragically hit by a car in front of their home. You can read more about their story here: http://love-drenched-life.com/love-rocks/)

Love Rocks in Memory

 

Romans 8:28:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called to His purpose.

– God does not promise that a Christian life will be easy. In fact, the Bible states that the evil one comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Your trials and tribulations will bring you closer to God if you let them. We are all called to share our testimony to shine a light on God’s goodness.

 

Matthew 5:16:

Let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

– Tonight we light this special candle not only to remember our daughter but to bring God the glory for the light that shines within us. I pray that our story will touch your heart and inspire you to seek God’s comfort in your trials and tribulations.

 

Dear Heavenly Father,
Remind us that you are our rock and that through the trials and tribulations this broken world brings into our lives we can find comfort in only You. And, through You, we find the strength to shine bright for Your glory.
In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Lighted Lantern Release

Sky Lantern Release

  • Thank you to my family and friends for taking pictures to help keep this memory!

Just a Little Annoyed

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The loss of a baby is difficult and sometimes what you say to someone who is grieving can actually make it harder.

 

Let me forewarn you, I’m annoyed and I need to vent. This isn’t going to be pretty. I apologize in advance.

 

I know that the situation Rob and I have recently endured with losing a full term baby is unfathomable. It was exactly that in my eyes before it happened. Nothing prepares you for experiencing a loss such as this. In this situation, there are certain things that I do not want to hear. Moreover, the last thing I need or want is pity. Please excuse me while I vent about all these annoying things…

 

  1. Please do not tell me that God needed another angel. This insinuates that God did this to us. I do not believe that for a second and it is definitely not what I want to hear. If he needed another angel, he could have taken someone else that is 100 years old…someone who has lived a full life on this Earth. I know it is selfish for me to want Everly here with us. I wholeheartedly believe that she is in heaven and she is rejoicing because she has eternal life with our Lord and Savior. However, here on Earth the emptiness in our hearts remain. This is tough and I am sure that is not going to change. We will always feel as if we are missing someone in our family…because we are!

 

  1. Never, ever tell me that we can have another baby. How do you know? Many people have trouble getting pregnant or trouble carrying a baby to full term. Now that we have had a stillborn, any subsequent pregnancies are “high-risk.” This means that when we are pregnant again doctors will want to put the baby and me through many extra tests. In any case, the point is having another baby will never replace Everly. I carried her for 37.5 weeks. She was full term. I gave birth to her then walked out of the hospital with empty arms. Therefore, it does not matter if I can have another baby. I will continue to think of Everly for the rest of my life.

 

  1. Don’t tell me you are sorry. That phrase was nice right after we lost our beautiful baby girl. Now when you say it, it is annoying and frankly pisses me off. I do not want your pity. It does not change what happened. Some days are harder than other days but the last thing I want to hear is how sorry you are that I am having a hard day. That makes me want to punch you…with love of course. I know you are sorry and so am I. Just keep it to yourself. What I need are prayers…lots of them. God wants my husband and me to use this as our testimony. How? I am not quite sure yet. However, I do know that losing Everly Eden inspired me to start writing…a desire God placed in my heart a long time ago.

 

  1. Quit acting as if I am fragile. Life is for the living. I am living my life…life with a toddler does not allow for anything else. If I spent every waking minute dwelling on the fact that I lost my baby girl I would be depressed. My toddler needs a stable home and so most of my mourning occurs behind closed doors. Don’t get me wrong, I want Charis to know about Everly. I want her to understand that loss happens in life. I also want her to know that it is ok to move on.

 

  1. Just talk about it. Seriously. If you feel like you want to bring up what happened to us … Please. Bring. It. Up. The problem is if you want to and you hold back it becomes the elephant in the room. I hate that. It is annoying and awkward. When I get that feeling…like there is an elephant in the room, I am getting better at broaching the subject. I guess that is the best solution for this one!

 

  1. Don’t avoid me because you are either pregnant or you just had a baby. Yes, it might be tough for me depending on the day. However, I would have to live under a rock if I never wanted to see a pregnant woman or a newborn ever again. Seriously, after something like this happens it seems like it constantly smacks you in the face. For instance, I go to the grocery store and I see two little girls about the same age difference as Charis and Everly walking hand in hand. So much for a quick trip to the store…now it becomes a struggle to hold back tears. Charis and I go to the auto body shop to get an oil change. We start talking to another patron who asks if she is my only child. As hard as all of these situations are, they also make me stronger. They make my heart hurt but it is only preparing me for what God has planned.

God has a plan and every day I am getting closer to uncovering His plan. We know that God turns all things good for those who trust in Him. Let me tell you, I trust and have more faith than ever before. And with these I am becoming the woman God has called me to be.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know that God has called me to be forgiving. Seventy times seven. That means forgive everything. As tough as that is, just remember God has forgiven each of us who believe in Him. So, if you have done anything on my annoyance list know that you are still loved and forgiven!  In addition, I forgive myself to feeling annoyed. Haha. I do remind myself often that everyone has good intentions.

The Pressures of Life

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Stop Falling to the Pressures of Life.

Why is life filled with pressures to conform to a specific time frame of getting married or starting a family? Questions like “When are you guys going to get married?” or “When are you going to have a baby?” put unwanted pressure on couples. In my opinion, these life questions are personal and not any of your business. Frankly, you may not realize the pressure or even turmoil caused by asking these innocent questions.

When Rob and I were dating, we used to get the dreaded question of when we were going to get married. We used to laugh about this question and the pressure. We even vowed never to ask this question to a dating couple! We loved one another but we considered the decision to get married a big decision. It is a BIG decision that should not be made lightly. Maybe that is why the divorce rate is so high in our society. The pressure of getting married may cause some couples to make that commitment prematurely. Let’s be honest…marriage is HARD. It is not a fairy tale…I wish it was! Heck, I wish relationships were exactly like all the romantic comedy movies I like to watch! Reality is that living with someone else with a different background and habits is tough. Making decisions together is sometimes tough when opinions differ. Marriage is a work in progress and two people choosing to get married just because they have dated for X number of years seems foolish to me. Have you ever thought that the couple may talk about marriage but perhaps they do not have the money to have the wedding they want? Maybe he is saving to buy a ring and he feels like he is under pressure to propose within a certain period. Your opinion of when a couple should marry is just that…YOUR opinion.

Once a couple marries the next question you get from friends, family, and even strangers is, “When are you going to have a baby?” There is pressure from parents. They say sneaky things like “We are ready to be grandparents”. UGH! Have you ever thought that the couple could be struggling to get pregnant? Maybe they have suffered from a miscarriage. By asking them, you are reminding them of the insecurity they feel around getting pregnant. Infertility affects many couples. One in four women has a miscarriage. Stillbirth affects 1 in 160 pregnancies. I have had a miscarriage and a stillbirth! Think before you ask. On the other hand, maybe the couple is not ready to become parents. For those couples who want to wait a few years why is society pressuring them to have a baby? If you are a parent, do you not remember the complete shift your life makes after having a baby? It is a HUGE transition and I believe that most of us would agree that some couples become parents before they realize what they are getting into. I mean I wanted a baby, but I sure did not realize how life changes after having a baby. A baby is a blessing but a baby also calls for some hard work and dedication.

The dreaded question for us now is “when are you having another child?” or “are you going to have another?” Have you ever thought that maybe the family you are asking is just fine with one child? Maybe they have their hands full with one. Maybe they cannot afford another. Or maybe they are having trouble getting pregnant with another. Honestly, for us I do not know the answer to that question. It has only been 4 ½ months since we lost Everly Eden. Every time this question comes up, I have flashbacks to losing her. The shock. The disappointment. The feeling of loss. The feeling of empty arms. Thoughts start to float around my mind of whether I am ready for pregnancy again (it is a big commitment, you know). I start to think about the possible outcomes. What if we have another miscarriage or what if our baby is full term and we end up leaving the hospital again with empty arms. What if we have another bundle of joy and it is difficult to handle a toddler and a newborn! Let’s just say, when we decide to have another child we will not be considering anyone else’s opinion. I say that with love! Honestly, that decision is between Rob, me…, and God!

Therefore, I ask why society has become so fixated on marriage and having kids in a specified time frame? Just because you decided to get married at X age does not mean that is the right thing for everyone. And just because you decided to have children X number of year(s) after getting married, does not mean that everyone else should follow your timeline. When will people relax and let things happen, as people are ready? Why put unnecessary pressure on anyone to make these kinds of life-changing decisions? Perhaps if outsiders spent less time focused on a time frame for couples in their sphere of influence, divorce rates and the number of ill-prepared parents would decrease.

And for those that feel the pressures of life… Stop letting other people’s opinions affect your feelings. If you feel you are not ready for marriage or a baby then WAIT! No one knows better than you. If the decision seems unsettling then it probably is not the right timing. Pray about it. And when you are ready, you will make the right decision for YOU!

Photo credit: Ashley Botkin Photography

Thanks for reading! Leave your comments below. No pressure. Ha!